my 32nd ;)

Today’s my ever looked-for birthday that I can think of. It might be because the number can’t anymore be seen in the months of the calendar and I ought not to celebrate cuz I’m old enough, or I’ve been so unfathomably engaged  and I craved to feel so special and finally needed a birthday leave for a break and pamper myself. I don’t know, I just felt that way. 

Anyway, my life has been seriously observing any possible side I have bumped off and made me more cautious of almost everything! Some consequences were hurting but most are bunches of realizations of a change for a better me. And I can say that I did 32% better! Kudos self! :)

So my day was like a really vague notion of how it ended. Big BUT I tried to make it special! 

It started waking up with a big wrinkled smile seeing the most beautiful creature beside me and annoying him with tight hugs and kisses so he’ll wake up earlier for school, but failed. So maybe I was just a bit too excited to wake up an hour earlier. I was also excited to try the yesterday’s new yoga poses from like two months of no-yoga sessions, and a little meditation and of course a check for unexpected greetings. It felt really cool getting those not so typical greetings from new found friends from around the globe from not so locally-common networking sites.

So I had to treat my baby with my full time having a birthday leave. Instead of the nanny, I did bathe & feed him and all and enjoyed talking with him on his way to school. I love his new school. I was welcomed with nature and innocent smiles of preschoolers. So I had to wait for my baby for like 3 hours which is too short hearing their screams and laughters from the other room. In the school canteen, (also the nannies’ waiting area) I browsed and read some 90’s Reader’s Digest which I’m still a big fan (trying to cover that awful song played from a yaya’s mobile). I always loved the painting featured in the back cover and topics are remarkably different. I even cried for that story about a young girl who survived for more than a year with a bullet in her head with no worries at all. So it was another twist-of-fate-nature-sent lesson for me.  And I embraced it as a present, a big punch in my brain that I don’t actually have to worry with these little pains in my brain at all. ;)

So I decided to spend my whole day being with my angels, in a mall, strolling as Despicable Me 2’s gone. & they did enjoy! just being with each of them, my baby, ate yang, kaela (whom I forced to be absent from school :/ ) and of course our little pao who rarely goes with us. Despite lots of plans like treating my siblings with a live band, or a family dine out, some circles of friends, my yogamates, 2 sick old colleagues and at the workplace, I lack funds. It still buys time for me. As for these very moments. But the greatest plan I did really wish and still wish to do that would really pamper and treat myself is just to stay in the bedroom and read all I wanna read or START KNITTING! But they're all way too hard!

Anyway, all else that happened beyond didn’t feel good. I felt awful, excessively thinking nonsense things again until harming myself and everyone around so regrets came in, uninvited and insisting, until I fell asleep.

But I woke up with realizations, less self-blames this time and clearer lessons instead :)

I wish for the next year ahead that I’d be less pessimistic, slowly and eventually it’ll all vanish, it’s tough, but I’m positive of that! And I wish that my wish be granted of having a new business or studying preschool education maybe. I don’t know, I suddenly love teaching or maybe I want to be with my baby all the time witnessing those harshness from wicked people to babies.. awful.

Anyway again,  I’m just so grateful I got greetings from my yogi (how did she know?), my old nanny :), some must-forget freaks, some colleagues, my boss, some friends and of course my family, my everdear aunt who came here for business and accidentally had to buy the cake for me and to my new yaya for cleaning the mess, I was reeeeeaaally tired.

Happy 32^nd year wonderful me. Good job, so far, I know you’d be way better ahead. ;) 

3.13.13

I just read a local blog of a young wife, simple yet passionate. In some ways I got inspired to finally get to my senses of playing with words again. No more lame excuses. It doesn’t seem hard after all.

I’ve been always hesitant to start uttering whatever I feel since I’ve been always preoccupied with the things I want to do. Ridiculously wishing to do everything  at the same time. Just merely thinking and choosing which to do first, I end up sluggishly coiling and teasing my son instead. It’s my favorite thing to do anyway.

This could have been a précis of the most significant moments in certain extent I can possibly think of but eventually I get bored trying to recall the moments worth remembering and anxious of being constantly horribly forgetful.

And that is the main reason I now rush and more dire serious into blogging regardless the hustle bustle. Hopefully I can save everything before I get Alzheimer’s disease.

unlocking the unlucky?

Anyway, I tried to assess what this date would mean to the latest worries I got. Last night I finally slept well believing everything would be okay after getting that confirmation from the painter about the portraits. Alas, it wasn’t solved - work spices! I never felt this awful. After all I still don’t believe 13 ain’t a good number. For me, this is a good sign for my transformation. A great hurtful lesson learned. And I have to be firm disciplining myself now. Instead of hating this day, I should embrace this happened so I can bear in mind that I have to change. Now.

Love Day

Happy hearts day! I greeted/teased only a person so far (aside from the family) and the reaction was, it’s a pagan day. Okay though I expected it. Im just so full of love today. I got the usual sweetest morning kiss from my son and greetings from nieces and nephews and family. Unlike everyone else, I don’t really get blown by the fancy flowers and chocolates seen everywhere during this season. Two years ago, I got a bouquet of old roses from my ex in the US and last year, flowers were also on my table at work from a friend. It felt great , I felt so feminine. But now I don’t expect something. I just feel delighted seeing my colleagues having those from their hubbies and boyfriends. No matter the age, I see the glitter in their eyes ;) I wish to step out in the office and give somethings to the old maids as well. I also wish to give mom flowers but I don’t have the budget. I wish to sell flowers at home so in laws would give to my sisters. But I don’t have the time and the bucks. I will just buy some sweets for the kids at home. I want them, at their early age to feel the importance of the (most) love day. 

farewell dear Damian

I never felt this awful loss my entire life. Maybe because I was the one who brought him home. I badly miss our pet Doberman, Damian.

I unintentionally didn’t have him in the first place. I was about to go back to my hometown from a job resignation. I always planned of buying a new pet dog for our home but I was disappointed with the last pay I received. My colleague, Alfred who courted me that time offered to go with me to buy the dog after I refused for a date since he’s also a dog lover. After seeing and almost buying the cute Japanese spitz from a neighbor, I called my younger brother back home for a confirmation but he wanted a police dog.  Alfred then brought me to a place with lots of different pets for export. We then saw prepared puppies of different breeds reserved for Koreans. Damian then was the smallest and the youngest. The owner forced us to buy it since it was the only Doberman and the papers and vaccinations are all done. It cost twice my budget so I refused and thought of buying that Japanese spitz instead. Alfred insisted to buy it for me and I finally got Damian. I was so excited telling my brother about it. Alfred helped me with the permits and all so I can bring Damian home asap. He even bought the leash and food for Damian. He has the kindest heart I’ve known. Though i have dumped him, he told me he just wanted to see me happy on our last meeting.

Anyway, when I got home, my dad was furious about it. He wanted to spare Damian. I still remember those harsh words against canines, his worries and stubborn thoughts that a Doberman will eventually get wild. I somehow understood him but I was also disappointed. I informed Alfred about it and he offered to take care of Damian. But my brother insisted to keep Damian. He then took care of him. Since he is really dark, we named him after the movie Damien omen. But of course he was never that evil after all.

Damian has always been a happy dog. I have slept with him on a couch and he was really so sweet. He was naughty and fun and I loved taking care of him when he was still a pup. We brushed his teeth, cut his nails, cleaned his ears and bathed him regularly.  He was a healthy pretty little boy. I dreamt of making screened house for him after seeing those wicked flying vamps biting him. He was so petite and restless. Everyone fall for him even my dad. They made different houses for him since he grew up fast. When I got a new job and left home again, I always missed him and longed to be with him again. I did always searched facts about canines of how to take care a Doberman the better way. He was like my baby. I just didn’t notice how he grew up.

This morning, I found out in my cellphone calendar that I planned of having a birthday party for him last year. Last Christmas, I planned of finally making a screened house for him. Buying all those stuff I’ve been eyeing for him and searching for a bitch for him. I have always been planning after all, overlooking his age, his presence. 

How can I miss all those simple things I should’ve done?

Lately, I promised my brother (who took care of him longer) that I’d bring him to a vet if I got the time. Yesterday was a holiday, a supposed best day to bring him to a vet. But I failed. Again. For him. I blame myself for this. I should’ve done something. Sigh… I still can’t afford to think that we lost him. Too late now. I won’t be having a pet dog again. Never. The pain is  different. I seem to see him everywhere I go. Never felt my heart literally crumpled. 

Tomorrow’s my brother’s birthday. Mine is on the 17^th. On the 19th is his 6th year. But today, we lost him. Rest now for good dearest Damian, you are our family’s angel.

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

My 2012's gonna be great!

So I started the year on the second day. This New Year’s Eve was different. We suddenly decided to have a fine dining (instead of the typical buffet type) at home since there were only 9 of us left (from 19 on Christmas celebration). We took pictures of all of us unmarried w/ parents except my Kristof who was tired from helping me set the table and did really have a good sleep. I spent the rest of the day cuddling with my boy, cleaning the mess, eating and sleeping. Still, the weather made me weaker and sick and wished for a longer holiday break.

Back to reality, I am now wearing our new office uniform. Green seaweed wool cloth that’s really uncomfortable and we will be using the same set for 5 long years. I now have to face and focus on the coming very important events and travels. I am so anxious about my health, that I might fail the bosses and of course of being away from my boy again. Anyway, I have lots of great things to look forward to like having a driving lesson, enrolling my son to preschool, getting serious on blogging and plucking and crafting, vacation with my son and the homecoming of my sister & her family from Canada. I know this year’s gonna be great. I have learned a lot and won’t be wasting my time and sympathy from people in the history and promise to have a more serious TO-DO list so I won’t be idle and use my precious time well and be more productive. I wish to learn more in photography so I won’t regret of missing important events in the office. I have had enough adventure and won’t be wanting more this year. No more extra activities and would instead stay at home. I finally decided to deactivate my facebook account and I’ll be one of the peaceful 1/3 in the whole world who ain’t hooked on facebook.

sigh..it's really the only word i want to express. i don't know what i feel at certain moments i just don't understand and can hardly figure out what i want to think and to feel to lessen worries, change my perspective and so on..it is just so hard to teach what u want ur heart to feel. i've been in a longest journey ever and so desperately wanted to express and save words so i can possibly monitor my life, somehow? i don't know why i have to. sometimes i feel scared i might lose all the memories ive been trying to save in my brains. i seem to always depend on my past to base how to live my life better. im just so glad i remembered i still have this. i will then try to jot down every detail of the most important things i can possibly remember. thanks a million gmail.

Happy Hearts Day!

Kung Hei Fat Choi! New year for hopefully a new better Pie.
I've always wanted my writings be read so I can interact with people who think the same way I do. I really needed ones. I've been so busy my whole life for having lots of interests. And taking a tough course during my college years deepen my interests more and taking me to chaos. I had no regrets though. The experiences I had made me who I am now and I'm proud I grew up this way.

Being in a large family is not simple. Everyone seeks attention and praises and jealousy is always there. Rivalry in everything helped everyone excel in what we do. Having lots of siblings would also mean having them as friends - real ones. We are so close that we seem to respect each other's opinions than our parents'. We have bunch of secrets like bestfriends do and we really argue a lot. This made me an introvert and I'm happy I am. Maybe also because I'm just pretty and not prettier. But it doesn't mean I limit myself from outdoor activities. Although I'm not blessed with a healthy body, I'm still updated with sports on tv. I enjoy most with my brothers and sisters at home sharing stories and jokes doing boardgames, foodtrip and movie marathon.

I also have lots of pretty and prettier friends and they do invite me outside. Being the littlest and weakest sometimes limit me from adventures and fun. But I don't give up. I try to do queer things they do and even at times dare them to try even harder ones. I can be funnier than I think I can and even funniest to little innocents because they genuinely laugh at my jokes and they're the most honest creatures on earth. Babies are also my bestfriends, they simply soothe my moods no matter how naughty or nonsense they can be.

Growing older was a tough one. Being away from home and spending years in college and having a job in a different place was really scary. I eventually gained confidence though but had not enough security. I was naive and vulnerable And so I got into relationships though I didn't really think I understo love and responsibilities then. I was scared to be alone in a place of strangers and so I thought I'd be needing somebody who can be with me always. So I was hurt, moved on and loved again and again.

So I met this man much younger than I am. I always had younger suitors I don't know where the older ones gone. Anyway, we lasted for more than two years but had lots of breakups. Emotional blackmail was there, secrets, lies, cheats and even worst things I never expected I deserve. He had plans though but I was doubtful if I can still hang on. Things happen quickly and I got pregnant. I was happy somehow I always love babies. As a designer, I was excited with wedding plans but later I knew that he's been cheating and had other babies with other women.

So I chose to move forward with my life with a new blessing. The most wonderful baby is trusted to grow up with me and it's been the greatest pleasure I have. Now he is one year and exactly four months. Music to my ears when I hear compliments about my parenting and how my son grow up this nice. (good job mommypie!) Thinking I'm single makes me strive harder to be the best mom and bestfriend to my son.

We spent our Valentine's Day with my family although some have their own families, some also are single and even didn't have dates. We should have spent it at a beach but the place is too far and travel safety and comfort for babies was not that good. Anyway we had pizza and everyone still enjoyed. My baby had a great fun playing with his cousins so he slept earlier. I missed him for spending too much time here so I got to go. Goodnight!